


The Brandywine Special Select

by Lakritzwolf



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Stoned dwarves, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 21:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4762115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the <a href="http://gatheringfiki.tumblr.com/post/127826595685/summer-fandom-raffle-exchange-prompts-masterlist">Summer Raffle Fandom Exchange</a>  on tumblr<br/>Prompt 131: Hobbit pipe weed has interesting effects on dwarves</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brandywine Special Select

It was very late and already dark when the Company finally had made camp that day, and everyone was exhausted and more than ready for the rest. Bombur immediately started unpacking his gear while Gloin made the fire, and while the other ponies were unloaded, the smell of stew began to make everyone’s mouth water. 

It was a relief to stretch and relax, especially for Bilbo who wasn’t used to travelling on horseback. He leaned back with a sigh, produced his pipe and pipe weed and proceeded to follow his calming ritual of preparing for a smoke. 

After the first few clouds of smoke, Fili leaned forward with a smile. “That’s a fine pipe weed, Master Baggins. Smells lovely. Is that Shire-grown?”  
“Indeed it is,” Bilbo gave back with a slight nod, pride in his voice. “The Brandywine Special Select. Care for a pipe full?”  
“Oh no,” Fili shook his head, still smiling. “I wouldn’t want do diminish your stock of pipe weed from home.”  
“Oh come on,” Bilbo said and tossed Fili the tobacco pouch. “I’ll run out sooner or later anyway and a pleasure shared is a pleasure doubled, as we in the Shire say.”  
“Well, in that case.” Fili took the offered pouch and knocked the ashes out of his pipe. 

Kili reached over and took the bag, and as he inhaled the fragrance, his face lit up. He didn’t even have to ask, though. Even as he looked up Bilbo gestured with his pipe at the young dwarf. “Be my guest.”

Bilbo, having finished his own pipe, now quietly slipped away from the fire to share an apple with Myrtle of which he had grown very fond, even if his backside hadn’t yet. It was then that he heard the scream echoing through the night.

“What was that?”  
“Orcs,” Kili said slowly with a strangely dreamy expression, his eyelids heavy.  
“Orcs?” Bilbo nervously hurried closer to the fire.  
“Throatcutters,” Fili added helpfully, his eyes a tiny bit swollen and slightly red. “There’ll be dozens of them out there.” His smile widened, and he chuckled out a cloud of thick smoke. “The... the lowlands are crawling with them.” Then he closed his eyes and brought his pipe back up.  
“They strike in the wee small hours, when everyone’s asleep.” Kili attempted to take another drag from his pipe but needed several efforts to actually get the pipe between his lips. “Quick and quiet.” He puffed a cloud of smoke as the corners of his mouth crinkled. “No screams.” Then he looked at Bilbo, took the pipe out of his mouth and added in a dark whisper: “Just lots of blood.”

Bilbo stared at them open-mouthed and cast a look over his shoulder again, but when he looked back at the two young dwarves, they exchanged a look that turned into a grin that turned into a very undignified giggle.

“You think that’s funny?” Thorin got up and cast his nephews a stern look. “You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?”

Fili and Kili exchanged another look, then both snorted and giggled again. 

“Sorry, uncle,” Kili chortled. “We didn’t mean anything by it.”  
“No, you didn’t,” Thorin gave back darkly. “You know nothing of the world.” Then he strode away from the fire, and everyone was looking at him thoughtfully and with worry.

Everyone but Fili and Kili, that is. The moment Thorin turned his back on them, Fili erupted into a helpless fit of giggles. Every head spun around, and now Kili couldn’t hold it anymore, either. He fell against his brother and both of them giggled like tipsy girls. When Fili now lost his balance and fell over, and Kili landed on top of him, they burst out laughing and couldn’t stop.

The dwarves around them looked anxiously back and forth between Thorin and his nephews. Thorin glowered at them with lowered eyebrows, but the two young brothers were completely oblivious. They calmed down somewhat, but as soon as they happened to look at each other, they erupted into hysteric giggles again. Thorin rolled his eyes and held up his arms as if imploring the heavens to tell him why he had been punished with that kind of family. The gesture had the two laugh so hard they were in tears.

“What is wrong with you two?” Bilbo finally asked after he had padded back to the fire.  
Kili looked up, his pupils little pinpricks of black. “Nothing.” He managed again to miss the stem of his pipe with his lips, and that set Fili off so hard it looked as if he was about to piss himself.  
“But you...”  
Fili propped himself up onto his elbow and gestured at Bilbo with his pipe. “We’re fine.”  
“We’re fine,” Kili echoed, and both started giggling again.

“Will you stop that unbeseeming behaviour!” Thorin growled at them.  
Kili and Fili tried to sit up straighter, but when Fili’s elbow slipped and he snorted, Kili tried to bite back another laughter and failed. This time it took them even longer to calm down.

Everyone, including Bilbo, was now watching the two young dwarves with some sort of morbid curiosity. Thorin seemed ready to go and knock their heads together hard enough to make them stop giggling for good, but then they finally calmed down again somewhat. Thorin exhaled heavily through his nose and turned around to continue his brooding stare across the dark valley below.

Fili rested on his back and Kili bedded his head on his brother’s belly. “Look at those stars,” the latter said dreamily. “Aren’t they marvellous?”  
Fili followed his gaze and sighed. “They look magical... like... like...”  
“Like stars?” Kili offered.  
“Yes...” Fili replied gravely. “Like stars.”

The dwarves around them exchanged a few befuddled looks. 

“Stars that look like stars?” Bofur asked in confusion. But as the two looked up at him, he added: “Oh no, here they go again.”

After the fit of giggling laughter had abated, Fili and Kili looked at each other again with trembling lips.

“Stars that look like stars,” Kili said, voice wavering.  
“Brother,” Fili replied, trying to put some dignity into his voice.  
“Brother,” Kili replied and was already grinning like a halfwit. “Brother of starlight.”  
“Walking in starlight,” Fili giggled after a snort.  
“You’re not walking,” Kili supplied helpfully.  
Fili burst into laughter and Kili joined him again.

“ENOUGH!” Thorin strode across the clearing towards his nephews. They tried, they really tried to bring themselves in some sort of order, but hadn’t even managed to untangle themselves from each other before Thorin had reached them. “Have you no shame!” He yelled. “To be getting so drunk you are making such fools of yourself!”  
“But they didn’t drink anything,” Bofur said. “I’m sure of it.”  
Thorin spun around. “Then what, pray, did they do to make such an utter disgrace out of themselves?”  
“I have no idea,” Bofur replied. “We were eating, and then it was time for a pipe, and then Bilbo...” Bofur’s eyes widened. “Oh.”  
“Oh what?” Bilbo asked nervously. “You don’t think that I...?”  
“Well...” Bofur shrugged. “I’ve never had Shire-grown pipe weed before and that sure smells like nothing I’ve ever smoked.”

Thorin looked back and forth between Bofur and the hobbit with raising eyebrows. Then he looked back at his nephews, and everyone else followed his gaze to watch Fili sit up against the wall of rock with a dreamy expression on his face while Kili was lying with his head in his brother’s lap. He was poking one of Fili’s moustache beads with one finger, giggling every time he made the braid swing.

“But... but...” Bilbo shrugged helplessly and held out his arms. “But honestly... I had no idea...”  
“Well, seems like Hobbit pipe weed has interesting effects on dwarves,” Bofur replied good-naturedly. “Not that I’m going to try it anytime soon.”

“If I ever catch any of you smoking Bilbo’s pipe weed again,” Thorin growled and looked at every member of the Company. “Then I’ll make sure you have to put that weed where the sun never shines because you won’t be able to smoke otherwise!” He spun around again and headed for the edge of the cliff, folding his hands behind his back as he stared down again. “Tell my nephews of this as soon as they are themselves again.”

Everyone’s eyes swivelled from Thorin back to Bilbo who shrugged again with a helpless gesture of defeat.

Thorin’s anger quickly dissipated when they broke camp the next morning, for the state Fili and Kili were in, bleary-eyed, heavy-lidded and incredibly sensitive to any sound louder than a mouse’s whisper, was a satisfying punishment, even to him.


End file.
